Satire
ATLANTA, GA—Anchors at CNN headquarters have made a bold statement of unwavering faith after the Mueller Report revealed no actual evidence that Trump colluded with Russia. “We believe in collusion with all our hearts and will never let the world’s teachings get in the way of that,” said Jim Acosta while mumbling mantras quietly in a room misty with burning incense.
“If God allowed this report to be written in the manner that it was, He did so to test our unshakable faith in what we know to be true,” said Anderson Cooper.
“We believe in the one true Russian collusion, the one that was spoken into truth and made real far before any evidence was brought before this dark world,” added Natalie Allen.
All of the anchors began to speak in unison, reciting their statement of faith with eye closed and hands raised:
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CNN: ‘God Allowed The Mueller Report To Test Our Unshakable Faith In Collusion’
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they left out the part where they were drinking white lightning, banging on old electric guitars and screaming "lordy lord almighty!" while doing jazz hands over their heads, but maybe that happened after acosta pulled out the snakes and everybody ran. Too bad about the snakes though. Since they all knew they were lying, they simply didn't have enough faith to withstand multiple sidewinder bites.