humor (5)

BAD PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.  The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
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True Friendship...

This was sent to me by my best friend (via email, so you know it's making the rounds).  Okay, I have to admit it, and I know I am endangering by goddess, all-knowing, all-compassionate aura, but I simply resonate with these pledges...

Friendship ~ None of that Sissy Stuff
  Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

  • When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
  • When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
  • When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
  • When you are scared ~ I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.
  • When you are worried~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
  • When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.
  • When you are sick ~ Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
  • When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.

This is my oath .....I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask ~ because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

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Emergency Kit

Josh was helping Sally, a blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.

Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"

Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
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